Guinny

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Humor/Fiction

 

Guinny

 

I didn't like his answer.  It wasn't all it could be.  I sent Guinny back to his workspace to tweak his project.  Guinny is not his real name. Most of us think it's funny but the Chief Whiner finds it offensive.  I don't really care but that's because I don't really care.  What we are doing to Guinny is clearly immoral and probably dangerous but he signed up for it.  He was determined to be a better man.  Okay maybe we should have told him that his private workspace is a tunnel reactor.  Maybe we should have told him his project is not some banal overwrite of a quantum quotient.  His job is to sit in a DNA twisting cloud until he gives me the right answer.  

 

Friday was promising and I was tempted to keep Guinny for the weekend but budgets override science so off he went to his wife and kiddies.  I wonder if she will notice his eyes are greener...not the answer but an interesting sidebar.

 

On Monday we had a staff meeting.  The admin wants us to hurry up with the experiment as he can't keep justifing our salaries without results.  Chief Whiner mentioned the eye colour thing and budget boy lit up like a Christmas tree.  I gave up long ago trying to understand why they put accountants in charge of the future but as he was already wetting his pants I gave him the wink that promised the money shot.  He gave me six more weeks.  I needed a shower but it was worth it.

 

We actually tried to explain to money man once what we were doing but we lost him at anterior insular cortex.  That's when, whiners and all, we decided not to mention anything else interesting.  The guy's about as deep as a billfold. 

 

Every Friday I ask Guinny about his progress with quasiparticles in condensed matter physics.  It takes just about everything I have not to scream with boredom. The man is as dry as the Mojave.  After the debriefing I get to pose the question.  So Greg, how's the wife and kids?

 

Week One got me a confused blink that had me looking at his file to confirm he was a family man.  Week Two he offered up a "small talk" answer of fine, just fine.  Week Three he coughed up their names.  Week Four he mentioned his wife thought his eyes were greener.  Week Five he told me his kids were in sports.  Week Six he told me which sports.  Week Seven he told me his wife's birthday was on Monday and could he come in late?  Week Eight he asked why the hair on his head had regrown?   I told him it was something in the carrot juice in the cafeteria and he really should't ask any more questions. He said Carol thought the blonde looked really good against his mocha skin. She sounds like a peach.  Week Nine he asked for a night off to attend an awards ceremony for one of his kids.  So close.  Also, he's stopped drinking the carrot juice, something about his toes. 

 

Week Ten Guinny said I was looking tired and maybe I should get some rest, take a vacation, that sort of thing.  Eureka!  God bless his little furry, emerald eyed, webbed toed heart!  

 

Mushroom boy popped an artery when we told him we had spent all the money but our experiment was a dismal failure.  Cruel yes but highly entertaining.  Than we told him all we seemed to have accomplished was a solution for male pattern baldness. I've never been kissed by a man before. 

 

Chief Whiner asked me where the rest of the grant money really went and I told her I gave it to Greg to take his family to Disneyland.  That scored me a week in Cozumel with a physicist who really knows her way around a solid object.  

 

Back at the ranch, Rodney, he asked us to call him that, announced his masters needed him to be more in touch with all us wonderful people.  We gave him Greg's old office.  It's a very comfortable room even if it doesn't have a view.

 

Paula Nurmikivi

pmnurmikivi@sympatico.ca

 

 

 

 

About the Author: 
I have been described as a chameleon when it comes to my personality and as a squirrel when it comes to my writing, anything that catches my eye I chase. I have enjoyed the opportunity to apply my style to the world of science.

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Q is for ... Quantum biology

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R is for ... Randomness

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I is for ... Information

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A is for ... Alice and Bob

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