The Perfect Pair

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Barry Proton was an optimist. Leaving university with an MSc in Applied Physics, he’d worked his way up from an intern to become the C.E.O of Hadron Laboratory Solutions Limited. Life was comfortable, money was in bountiful supply, yet Barry did not feel complete. Aged 31, he had not had a sustainable relationship with a woman, and was determined to find ‘the one’ as he liked to call it.

After another lonely evening watching bad romcoms with Erwin his cat and his budgie Quark, Barry decided enough was enough. If those losers on TV could find love, why couldn’t he? So he suited up and set off for his local nightclub, Fusion. The high energy atmosphere lured Barry onto the dance floor, where he spotted the first girl. She was wearing a stunning sequenced mini top that dazzled in the light of the disco ball. Across the packed dance floor, their eyes met and Barry made a beeline for her. They had just begun to dance when she bumped into him and knocked him over. She helped him up and apologised.

“Sorry,” she said “I am overweight. Have tried every diet but cannot seem to lose it.”

Embarrassed, she walked off.

“At least she is truthful” Barry muttered to himself.

Undeterred, he made his way to the bar. As he was doing so, he noticed a young woman drop her purse. As she bent over, Barry noticed what a beautiful bottom she had.

“I want some of that!” he thought as he sauntered over to her. As she stood up, he made his move.

“Hey beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?” he asked, placing a hand on her waist.

The woman looked him in the eye disdainfully.

“Get lost, creep!” she shouted before storming toward the exit.

“How negative!” Barry exclaimed, surprised yet not disappointed “Plenty of other fish to fry.”

Deciding he needed a bit of Dutch courage, he bought a cherry flavoured cocktail. He was about to find a table when he spotted an absolute stunner. The petite redhead wore an elegant white dress that matched her sparkling teeth. She was dancing alone in a deserted corner of the club.

“Perfect,” thought Barry “alone, beautiful and mine.”

He approached her, cool, calm and collected, but then stopped dead in his tracks.

The girl began laughing manically, spinning round and round like an ice skater, increasing her angular velocity by the second.

“I am a beautiful butterfly!” she cried triumphantly.

At those words, Barry turned on his heels and walked in the opposite direction.

“She’s too strange” he said to himself.

Barry decided that clubbing was not his scene. He finished his drink and made his way to a swanky cocktail bar down the road. As he was walking down the street, a blushing brunette approached him.

“Hello! Sorry to bother you, Sir. My name is Julie Psi. My phone is dead and I need to call for a cab, could you help me?”

She smiled innocently at Barry; a charming smile that melted his heart. Finally, the perfect opportunity had presented itself.

“Of course!” he chirped.

As he was reaching into his pocket, he heard a voice.

“Julie, Julie! Come here you stupid cow!”

An inebriated man staggered up behind him.

“Oi mate” he snorted “Leave off, yeah? She’s mine.”

“Please Jerry, try to control yourself” Julie pleaded.

He ushered Julie away, shouting obscenities at her as they disappeared into the night.

“Well, he’s the opposite of charming. What an ironic pair!” Barry thought to himself.

His bravado had all but evaporated. He walked home, defeated, concluding that he was destined to remain single, in isolation, confined to his colourless grey apartment; unobservable to the outside world. As he was trudging along the pavement, he walked past an all-night laundrette.  A woman was sitting in the waiting room, mesmerised by the spinning tumble driers. Barry stopped.

A strong force prevented him from walking any further and seemed to pull him directly toward her. He wondered inside almost automatically and sat down next to her. She did not appear to notice, captivated by the effects of centripetal force on her smalls. On the spur of the moment, he came up with the cheesiest, most absurd pick up line he could think of.

“Excuse me, miss” he said, tapping her on the shoulder.

“May I please know your mass?” he asked innocently.

The woman turned around in surprise, caught off guard by the odd question.

“Urm, why?” she asked quizzically.

“Well,” Barry continued, “if you tell me, I can work out the gravitational force pulling us both together.”

She stared at him blankly for a fraction of a second before bursting into hysterical laughter. Barry could not believe his tactic had paid off!

“Haha, you’re so funny!” she shrieked, attempting to catch her breath.

“No, it’s true!” Barry said “if I know two masses, and the distance between them, I can work out the magnitude of the force by Newton’s law of universal gravitation” he explained.

She smiled; a brilliant, radiant smile.

“You’re smart,” she said “I think smart people are sexy. My name is Pauline by the way.”

From there on their relationship blossomed. Pauline, as it turned out, was also an optimistic character. She had worked her way up from a poor deprived family to build a successful business from scratch. They married a year later; a magical affair on a Caribbean beach, paid for by Barry. A year after that, they gave birth to a baby daughter. The child was born with Down’s Syndrome, but received the very best of care from her parents and grew up happy and healthy. Barry’s life was now complete; a beautiful wife and a loving daughter forming the perfect Proton family unit.
 

 

 

About the Author: 
I am an undergraduate studying meteorology and oceanography at UEA in Norwich. I love physics. I also love writing.
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Quantum Theories

H is for ... Hidden Variables

One school of thought says that the strangeness of quantum theory can be put down to a lack of information; if we could find the “hidden variables” the mysteries would all go away.

D is for ... Decoherence

Unless it is carefully isolated, a quantum system will “leak” information into its surroundings. This can destroy delicate states such as superposition and entanglement.

U is for ... Universe

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C is for ... Computing

The rules of the quantum world mean that we can process information much faster than is possible using the computers we use now.

L is for ... Light

We used to believe light was a wave, then we discovered it had the properties of a particle that we call a photon. Now we know it, like all elementary quantum objects, is both a wave and a particle!

S is for ... Schrödinger’s Cat

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G is for ... Gravity

Our best theory of gravity no longer belongs to Isaac Newton. It’s Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity. There’s just one problem: it is incompatible with quantum theory. The effort to tie the two together provides the greatest challenge to physics in the 21st century.

A is for ... Atom

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B is for ... Bell's Theorem

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U is for ... Uncertainty Principle

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D is for ... Dice

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R is for ... Radioactivity

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N is for ... Nonlocality

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P is for ... Probability

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Q is for ... Quantum biology

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E is for ... Entanglement

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G is for ... Gluon

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V is for ... Virtual particles

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S is for ... Superposition

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W is for ... Wavefunction

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L is for ... Large Hadron Collider (LHC)

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B is for ... Bose-Einstein Condensate (BEC)

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J is for ... Josephson Junction

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R is for ... Randomness

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T is for ... Teleportation

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C is for ... Cryptography

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O is for ... Objective reality

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Q is for ... Qubit

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P is for ... Planck's Constant

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I is for ... Interferometer

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H is for ... Hawking Radiation

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W is for ... Wave-particle duality

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S is for ... Schrödinger Equation

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X is for ... X-ray

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T is for ... Tunnelling

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M is for ... Many Worlds Theory

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K is for ... Kaon

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A is for ... Act of observation

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Y is for ... Young's Double Slit Experiment

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F is for ... Free Will

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I is for ... Information

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Z is for ... Zero-point energy

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A is for ... Alice and Bob

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M is for ... Multiverse

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R is for ... Reality

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