Adalbert’s Razor

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This razor was used for almost two hundred years. Surprisingly, it was not warned out.  After so many generations of Adalbert’s family used it, only the originally ivory-white handle had gradually turned sepia-yellow, but the floral carvings which embellished it did not loose its freshness and firmness of depiction.  The razor’s handle was simple and elegant, and more comfortable than ever, adjusted over time to fit perfectly Adalbert Sharpe clan’s long fingers.

He looked at the mirror.  His silver-white hair reminded him of many decorative feathers, coming out of his head and looking like a wild crown, created by a ‘drunken’ but highly skilled artist.  He liked his hair the way they were and did not even attempt to brush them.  That was his statement: ideas coming from his head like his ‘crazy’ hair.

He moved his eyes a bit down. There were wrinkles all over his face and his eyes looked like sad puppy’s but there was also a happy spark coming from inside.  This happy spark was a sign of his mental ‘plateau’ which he reached after so many years of  ‘quantum’ thinking.  Adalbert was neither intense nor totally relaxed and he always had more than one idea at the time, coming from his head. 

Rarely, he experienced some lapses in his ’quantum’ thinking, trying in vain to convince himself that uncertainty principle was unfunded.  However, this internal argument would only confirm his uncertainty by feeding him with a doubt.   Over the years he protested less and less, usually concluding that this uncertainty must be relative to where he mentally stands. In those moments his mind was like a bird which flew mainly upwards.

 Very seldom, he would show his tongue for no particular reason, just for fun.  His doctors didn’t see any danger in that and provided very serious testimonies, stating clearly that he  definitely was not insane.

Adalbert sharpened his razor the night before, applying elaborate and long strokes, back and forth, for many minutes.  He finished the sharpening with a test of dropping a piece of paper on the blade.  The piece split seamlessly in half.  Adalbert moved the blade closer to his left cheek but his hand rapidly started to tremble.  He stopped and moved his hand back, then relaxed, and tried to move it forward.  As he was moving closer to his cheek second time, the hand trembled again.  Persistently, he tried to make a contact with his cheek but every time the trembling was in a way.  He did not want to risk a cut, imagining himself for a split second with his tongue out and a scar. This was not funny anymore; it was scary.  He could do it only on Halloween, but it was once a year, and any scar could show year round, becoming a permanent ‘fixture.’

As the result of his sudden hand tremor, he did not shave himself.  However, this trembling significantly subsided when he ‘paddled’ his favourite cereal with a spoon, finishing it with some fruit, a toast, and a cup of good coffee.  Full and content, he locked his door, and with a slow but steady pace, started walking towards a barber’s shop.


Just to amuse himself, he engaged his brain in a game of mental ‘dice.’  There were only two possibilities: shave or not to shave. This playful ‘mantra’ reminded him of famous words by Hamlet, ”To be or not to be...”   And as Hamlet, he struggled to find his ‘superposition’ that would satisfy him with an answer.  Eventually, he got bored and returned to proper ‘quantum’ thinking, choosing his razor as a starting point.  Because he had a huge scientific bend he combined his razor with a human string (hair?) of DNA.

A string of human DNA (not a hair) when snapped and straightened was about three metres long but would curl back if not frozen.  In the frozen state it would appear to him as having one dimension only, just the length since it was about few hundred thousand of times longer than wider.  He would need a three metres long freezer to straighten out a curly ‘ribbon’ of DNA.  On the other hand, a ‘nano freezer’ with very sharp quantum ‘blades’ (sharp like his razor!) would do this job even better. To be more efficient, he could use DNA matrix and build a membrane, consisting of DAN strings.  How many DNA strings would be required to build a matrix three centimetres wide?  He finished his math without calculator and continued his thinking.  Having a quantum-super-computer with very huge amount of ‘sharp razors’ (like his!) would allow him to subtract, multiply, divide and do the other operations on this matrix as well. By entering any creature’s DNA matrix, he could print not just a ‘simple’ three dimensional protein tissue, but the entire complicated organs.  Adalbert started to scratch his head with increased intensity but he was already in front of the barber’s shop.

He opened the door. The bel above the door rung and he got in, took his place, and waited his turn.  The quantum computer was deeply ingrained on his mind now; not the shaving. The ‘flip’ not to shave happened rapidly and he could not catch exact moment when... Few days later, he entered the barber’s shop again and left gallantly shaven, even his cherished mustache was gone.  That was another ‘flip’ of the quantum computer problem which Adalbert successfully moved to a ‘back burner’ of his mind where it could comfortably ‘percolate.’  However, he started to scratch his head again. This time with less intensity. “ step would be to work on the quantum computer’s speed and bring it up to my favourite speed of light...but I am getting quantum old and someone else has to take the reins over,” Adalbert concluded as he walked into the infinity, but on a way he stopped by his office.

About the Author: 
He lives between everything and nothing, on the ‘Quantum Ridge’ where his disabilities meandered him to. He cooks, reads, writes, tries to maintain his circulation, and ‘keeps an eye’ on his physical health and his mind.

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