My Jennny Decay Story by Jason Gomez

Average: 4.5 (2 votes)
Your rating: None

            Hi, my name's Deck Aiye and I lost 6 protons in just 6 months. I went from 226 electrons, to 207 electrons on my waist, now I can finally wear size 6 orbits! Now you can to with just the new Jenny Decay program for only 20 Joules a week, you'll enjoy delicious and decadent  full course meals of alpha, beta, and gamma particles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I've never been in better form in my life and I'm loving it! It's impossible to know when you start, you just have to do it! Here's my story!
            It all started twelve years ago. I was born overmassed and I've always lived my life overmassed, and finally after 25 years I decided to turn my life around. I was just a small time Radium in my final year of Periodic University. Sure I was really bright, but I haven't really made many friends since I was too big, and all my other fellow Radiums were smart and decayed down. Then one day it just finally hit me, a burst of energy that this lifestyle is way too unstable for me.
            It started out small with a routine of a few crunches, push-ups and sit-ups here and there for a long time to get me started, but that didn't do much. I lost maybe only 2,000 to 4,000 photons. This went on for weeks and weeks but it got me absolutely nowhere, but that only fueled my determination! I started sacrificing study time by doing more and more exercises. I thought this would affect my marks, but actually this only made me brighter.
            I was a bit upset when I failed to reach my goal of losing one electron before I was done University, but that did not deter me at all. In the pursuit of finding a real job, instead of driving, I would actually jog, and I jogged for hours. I refused to be stuck working in a McRutherford's my entire life. Working in a McRutherford's made losing mass a really hard task, since juicy BigBohrs were always in my face.
            Around came Planckmast and my co-workers and I had a little Secret Einstein , and this strong attractive woman named Tung Stan was my Secret Einstein. She knew I was working real hard to lose mass, much to my surprise, she gave me a 50 Joule coupon for a personal trainer. I was little skeptical about trying it at first but it would be a shame to just let it expire. After much consideration I convinced her to join a session with me because I didn't want to be alone.
            The next few weeks were some of my best and also worst. I didn't care about losing mass any more, just spending time with her. I kept buying more and more sessions and kept convincing her to come so I could have an excuse to be with her. Eventually after summing up the courage needed, I finally asked Tung Stan to a date. Boy, I was in love and losing weight, the two things I never Imagined. In around a year of exercises and sessions I lost an entire proton and three electrons!
            But ever since I decayed into a Francium, Tung Stan wouldn't even look at me anymore. I don't know if it was me or her, but we just kept growing apart. She'd ask to go to the beach even though she know I'm deathly afraid to touch water. Yeah... It was hell, but this continued for a couple months. The only good thing that happened perhaps was that I lost another proton and electron but to her this made things worse. She wouldn't even react to anything I would say, there was no more spark between us. As soon as she started talking to some Ko Belt guy, I did the noble thing and broke up with her. The last words I ever heard from her were, "Sorry, I'm just attracted to him more".
            I guess it was pretty good timing that I left McRutherford's to accept a job in this small company called Nucleusbook that was just starting out. I needed the change of scenery. Although I was still upset about her and I really let myself go. I mean really let myself go.
            I completely forgot about watching my mass. I kept ordering fast food every day, drinking as much beer as I could, treating myself to cake and before I knew it, I gained two protons and five electrons five years later. Back to being a Radium and even more mass than when I began. I became hopeless thinking this endeavor was pointless and impossible. The world kept spinning on around me.
            Then by some random act of fate, a miracle happened. I was working on the ads for Nucleusbook when I happen to stumble upon this ad for Jenny Decay. It promised to lose 6 protons in just 6 months, it sounded so crazy to me. I couldn't stop laughing at it, thinking about the suckers who fell for this idiotic scheme. Then slowly, more and more as the days passed, this ad kept on appearing. I looked it up on, reading testimonies of people and I was really shocked. I even looked it up on for even more assurance. I started asking around work and even our CEO Merk Curie recommended it, he said his sister actually tried it out.
            I gave in, I said why the hell not, for only 20 Joules? What a great deal! And look at me now! Six months later, boom, here I am, a Lead. Thanks to Jenny Decay, I'm in the half life and I've never looked better! I met my lovely wife Oxi Jennifer, and I even started surfing the waters now. Take my word for it, Jenny Decay works! Don't waste your money on expensive appliances. Lose mass and feel great! Decay now! Join us!


Newsletter Signup

Submit your email address so we can send you occasional competition updates and tell you who wins!

Quantum Theories

S is for ... Schrödinger’s Cat

A hypothetical experiment in which a cat kept in a closed box can be alive and dead at the same time – as long as nobody lifts the lid to take a look.

O is for ... Objective reality

Niels Bohr, one of the founding fathers of quantum physics, said there is no such thing as objective reality. All we can talk about, he said, is the results of measurements we make.

F is for ... Free Will

Ideas at the heart of quantum theory, to do with randomness and the character of the molecules that make up the physical matter of our brains, lead some researchers to suggest humans can’t have free will.

S is for ... Schrödinger Equation

This is the central equation of quantum theory, and describes how any quantum system will behave, and how its observable qualities are likely to manifest in an experiment.

U is for ... Universe

To many researchers, the universe behaves like a gigantic quantum computer that is busy processing all the information it contains.

D is for ... Dice

Albert Einstein decided quantum theory couldn’t be right because its reliance on probability means everything is a result of chance. “God doesn’t play dice with the world,” he said.

S is for ... Superposition

Quantum objects can exist in two or more states at once: an electron in superposition, for example, can simultaneously move clockwise and anticlockwise around a ring-shaped conductor.

P is for ... Probability

Quantum mechanics is a probabilistic theory: it does not give definite answers, but only the probability that an experiment will come up with a particular answer. This was the source of Einstein’s objection that God “does not play dice” with the universe.

Q is for ... Qubit

One quantum bit of information is known as a qubit (pronounced Q-bit). The ability of quantum particles to exist in many different states at once means a single quantum object can represent multiple qubits at once, opening up the possibility of extremely fast information processing.

V is for ... Virtual particles

Quantum theory’s uncertainty principle says that since not even empty space can have zero energy, the universe is fizzing with particle-antiparticle pairs that pop in and out of existence. These “virtual” particles are the source of Hawking radiation.

R is for ... Radioactivity

The atoms of a radioactive substance break apart, emitting particles. It is impossible to predict when the next particle will be emitted as it happens at random. All we can do is give the probability that any particular atom will have decayed by a given time.

H is for ... Hidden Variables

One school of thought says that the strangeness of quantum theory can be put down to a lack of information; if we could find the “hidden variables” the mysteries would all go away.

A is for ... Act of observation

Some people believe this changes everything in the quantum world, even bringing things into existence.

Z is for ... Zero-point energy

Even at absolute zero, the lowest temperature possible, nothing has zero energy. In these conditions, particles and fields are in their lowest energy state, with an energy proportional to Planck’s constant.

T is for ... Teleportation

Quantum tricks allow a particle to be transported from one location to another without passing through the intervening space – or that’s how it appears. The reality is that the process is more like faxing, where the information held by one particle is written onto a distant particle.

M is for ... Many Worlds Theory

Some researchers think the best way to explain the strange characteristics of the quantum world is to allow that each quantum event creates a new universe.

L is for ... Light

We used to believe light was a wave, then we discovered it had the properties of a particle that we call a photon. Now we know it, like all elementary quantum objects, is both a wave and a particle!

J is for ... Josephson Junction

This is a narrow constriction in a ring of superconductor. Current can only move around the ring because of quantum laws; the apparatus provides a neat way to investigate the properties of quantum mechanics.

P is for ... Planck's Constant

This is one of the universal constants of nature, and relates the energy of a single quantum of radiation to its frequency. It is central to quantum theory and appears in many important formulae, including the Schrödinger Equation.

E is for ... Entanglement

When two quantum objects interact, the information they contain becomes shared. This can result in a kind of link between them, where an action performed on one will affect the outcome of an action performed on the other. This “entanglement” applies even if the two particles are half a universe apart.

R is for ... Randomness

Unpredictability lies at the heart of quantum mechanics. It bothered Einstein, but it also bothers the Dalai Lama.

C is for ... Cryptography

People have been hiding information in messages for millennia, but the quantum world provides a whole new way to do it.

K is for ... Kaon

These are particles that carry a quantum property called strangeness. Some fundamental particles have the property known as charm!

T is for ... Tunnelling

This happens when quantum objects “borrow” energy in order to bypass an obstacle such as a gap in an electrical circuit. It is possible thanks to the uncertainty principle, and enables quantum particles to do things other particles can’t.

C is for ... Computing

The rules of the quantum world mean that we can process information much faster than is possible using the computers we use now.

N is for ... Nonlocality

When two quantum particles are entangled, it can also be said they are “nonlocal”: their physical proximity does not affect the way their quantum states are linked.

R is for ... Reality

Since the predictions of quantum theory have been right in every experiment ever done, many researchers think it is the best guide we have to the nature of reality. Unfortunately, that still leaves room for plenty of ideas about what reality really is!

X is for ... X-ray

In 1923 Arthur Compton shone X-rays onto a block of graphite and found that they bounced off with their energy reduced exactly as would be expected if they were composed of particles colliding with electrons in the graphite. This was the first indication of radiation’s particle-like nature.

H is for ... Hawking Radiation

In 1975, Stephen Hawking showed that the principles of quantum mechanics would mean that a black hole emits a slow stream of particles and would eventually evaporate.

M is for ... Multiverse

Our most successful theories of cosmology suggest that our universe is one of many universes that bubble off from one another. It’s not clear whether it will ever be possible to detect these other universes.

G is for ... Gluon

These elementary particles hold together the quarks that lie at the heart of matter.

G is for ... Gravity

Our best theory of gravity no longer belongs to Isaac Newton. It’s Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity. There’s just one problem: it is incompatible with quantum theory. The effort to tie the two together provides the greatest challenge to physics in the 21st century.

I is for ... Interferometer

Some of the strangest characteristics of quantum theory can be demonstrated by firing a photon into an interferometer: the device’s output is a pattern that can only be explained by the photon passing simultaneously through two widely-separated slits.

L is for ... Large Hadron Collider (LHC)

At CERN in Geneva, Switzerland, this machine is smashing apart particles in order to discover their constituent parts and the quantum laws that govern their behaviour.

W is for ... Wavefunction

The mathematics of quantum theory associates each quantum object with a wavefunction that appears in the Schrödinger equation and gives the probability of finding it in any given state.

Y is for ... Young's Double Slit Experiment

In 1801, Thomas Young proved light was a wave, and overthrew Newton’s idea that light was a “corpuscle”.

W is for ... Wave-particle duality

It is possible to describe an atom, an electron, or a photon as either a wave or a particle. In reality, they are both: a wave and a particle.

I is for ... Information

Many researchers working in quantum theory believe that information is the most fundamental building block of reality.

Q is for ... Quantum biology

A new and growing field that explores whether many biological processes depend on uniquely quantum processes to work. Under particular scrutiny at the moment are photosynthesis, smell and the navigation of migratory birds.

B is for ... Bose-Einstein Condensate (BEC)

At extremely low temperatures, quantum rules mean that atoms can come together and behave as if they are one giant super-atom.

A is for ... Alice and Bob

In quantum experiments, these are the names traditionally given to the people transmitting and receiving information. In quantum cryptography, an eavesdropper called Eve tries to intercept the information.

A is for ... Atom

This is the basic building block of matter that creates the world of chemical elements – although it is made up of more fundamental particles.

B is for ... Bell's Theorem

In 1964, John Bell came up with a way of testing whether quantum theory was a true reflection of reality. In 1982, the results came in – and the world has never been the same since!

D is for ... Decoherence

Unless it is carefully isolated, a quantum system will “leak” information into its surroundings. This can destroy delicate states such as superposition and entanglement.

U is for ... Uncertainty Principle

One of the most famous ideas in science, this declares that it is impossible to know all the physical attributes of a quantum particle or system simultaneously.